5 ways to stop comparing our relationships to others

As soon as you open your social media accounts or watch TV, do you see all these amazing happy couples? They seem to be everywhere: ranging from friends with their partners on the beach, having a great time, a  couple on a hike, smiling into the camera in that perfect selfie or a successful couple, all loved up that just got engaged.

And you think to yourself: Damn, they all look so happy …and what the heck am I doing? Does that sound familiar at all? Maybe, you’ve recently had a huge fight or broken up with someone, and you may wonder: am I the only one this has happened to? This kind of thinking puts unwarranted stress on us. Even though making comparisons to others in relationships you admire is perfectly natural, it can take a toll on how you feel about yourself and your relationship. It can also make you feel lonely and singled out, not keeping in mind that other people are experiencing the same thing as you are.

Protect your head and heart from unhealthy envy, it’s time to squelch the romantic comparisonitis.

Don’t Get Caught Up In Someone Else’s Story

Let’s get real for a minute! What we see in a photo or on tv is never the whole story. The images of couples kissing, going on romantic dates, epic trips, and celebrating what appears to be the perfect union. Often, the parts we want the world to see are fake news.

If you’re honest with yourself, do you only post happy and exciting moments online? The relationships you experience in real life, with your friends (on and offline, may be more authentic, but they are not perfect. What you don’t see is the bickering, the blow-out arguments, the boring nights spent at home and the infrequent sex. Often couples only show a specific side of their life in public, usually, the happy one. We will never know anyone’s full story, so comparing your life with anyone else is only going to make you miserable. This holds for other aspects of life, including jobs, vacations, and random weekend events. Just because someone is showing it to the world and looks great doesn’t mean that it is.

Identify Specific Triggers

If you want to stop comparing yourself to others in their relationship, determine when envy rears its ugly head. Is it when you’re scrolling through social media? When you watch a romantic movie? Or maybe when you hear your friends sharing about all the beautiful things their partner does? Use these observations to learn about yourself. Then make a list of who and what you frequently envy or compare yourself to. Write how these feelings negatively and positively impact you and ask yourself: what is it that I am looking for myself to experience, and how can I bring that more into my life. Learn to identify what aspects you perceive as “success” in others that triggers your sense of worth. Who do you compare yourself to most often, and why? When you figure out what triggers you, you can work through those emotions more easily.

Turn Envy into Action

You may feel envy when you see another couple having a romantic time together. At the same time, you are home alone, longing for a relationship or craving some quality time with your partner. But remember, you’re in charge of your reality. Instead of getting all down about it, use it as inspiration. Envious of their holiday? Plan one with a friend or your partner. Frustrated that you and your partner sit on the couch again while you see someone else having a romantic dinner. Ask your partner to go to book a table at your favourite restaurant. Do you crave more intimacy and passion with your partner inside the bedroom? But you are not sure exactly what or how? You and your lover can take this quiz to help you discover each other’s erotic language and pathways to deeper intimacy.

Don’t Compare The Worst Of Yourself With The Best Of Others

Here’s a new perspective for you, we look at other people’s successes through the lens of our weaknesses. That means we’ll compare what we assume is the best about someone else to our insecurities that we feel strongly about. Have you noticed a general pattern when you start comparing yourself to others? Is it when you see a post about a (presumed) happy long-term relationship? Is it when someone takes a photo of their “perfect” body and their partner adoring them?

We’re also so much tougher on ourselves than we are on others around us. It’s important to notice how and when our inner voice is speaking to us. That harsh inner critic can leave us feeling not enough, which leaves us feeling helpless and discouraged. The best cure I know for that is self-love and compassion, something you can work through with journaling, meditation, and coaching. I also recommend reading the book The Gifts Of Imperfection by Brene Brown

 Trust Your Own Path

Something to always remember is, comparing yourself to others will only disrupt your peace of mind. Instead, divert your gaze from all the social media posts and what everyone else has and remind yourself of who you are and what you want.

If your current goal includes a relationship, then get out there, meet new people and stay open to welcoming them. If you seek deeper love, passion, and connection with your partner, figure out what works for you in this phase of your relationship.

In addition, be sure to be honest with yourself about what you want. Often, we find ourselves making comparisons because we care about what other people think, or we see something we never thought of before. Take a step back and reassess. And remember, not a single other soul is exactly like you, and no relationship is the same. This is perhaps my best tip in ending comparisons to others because it’s the truth.  It doesn’t make sense to compare apples to bananas to chocolate. We’re all different, and we move at different paces, with different purposes.

About the author:
Nathalie Sommer is a certified Relationship & Intimacy Coach, Women’s Transformational Coach, speaker and international workshop facilitator. Through her communities, 1:1 + group coaching, speaking and events.
Nathalie is supporting and transforming women’s and couples relationships and lives from around the globe, helping them to create powerful transformations through sensual feminine embodiment, relationship & intimacy work.
You can follow her work via https://www.instagram.com/nata.sommer/ on Instagram and join her lively Eros Temple For Modern Women Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1835416650102332/   for intimate chats all about relationships, pleasure and sex. You can also visit her website to find out more about her services http://nathaliesommer.com/, or take Nathalie’s Eros Archetype Quiz http://nathaliesommer.com/quiz/