Conscious Arguing: Fix The Fights That Don’t Get You Anywhere

Relationship & Intimacy Coach Nathalie Sommer shares her expertise on how to fight smarter

You’re tired of having the same old argument, but here you are, having it again. Sound familiar?! It’s natural for couples to have rows and research shows that couples who argue together, stay together (it’s not all doom and gloom). We mustn’t shy away from discussing tricky topics that could just as quickly be swept under the rug. But the way we argue determines the outcome. The solution is to have them consciously, try not to cross certain lines and have a robust system to repair.

 Spot a bad argument 

The content of a fight doesn’t matter nearly as much as the form they take. Here are some common examples of what can lead to an unhealthy argument:

1) You dismiss anything the other person says out of hand.

2) You’re on a hunt to gather evidence that reinforces your beliefs and feelings and disregard anything that challenges you.

3) You’re convinced that only one person (you) can be right. Rather than accepting your partner is having a completely different experience of the same issue.

Another common form is when you enact the very behaviour you don’t want. For example, it’s ok for you to be upset and raise your voice, but it’s not ok when the other person does the same, and you blame them for raising their voice. Often, we blame our partner for escalating the arguments and fail to see how much we contribute to our own misery. These dynamics are non-productive, because they lead to the same old fights where we either lose our temper, flee or shut down (fight, flight or freeze).

What you’re actually fighting about

Most couples don’t realise the arguments they’re having aren’t really about commitment, money, chores or the intimacy they are not having. They’re fighting about feeling a lack of affection, not having their emotional needs met, loss of respect or power (or a combination of these). Usually, people argue because they want to feel they matter, that the other person understands what they are experiencing. And they blame each other, not always looking at themselves. Rarely do these significant issues get dealt with in an argument, as they are lost in the seemingly scripted dialogue (that got composed over time) that breaks down communication. 

Break the pattern

How can we break the argument cycle? It’s quite simple. Create empathy and be aware of your own triggers. Is it easy? No, but you can do it! First, you need to become aware of external circumstance and internal emotions, so that you can catch things early on and stop it from escalating into another cyclical fight. It’s helpful to start looking at your behaviour in a relationship and understanding where they developed. Our core pattern learning occurs in our formative and teenage years, specifically within friendship and family settings. The main inputs are our observations of, and engagement in relationships with adults and peers around us. In other words, our initial models of engaging with other people can lead to our coping mechanisms, adaptive or maladaptive that we use to engage with others in an attempt to avoid what we experienced with our initial models of engagement. It’s up to us to be aware of them and break them. 

Another common reason we end up in unhealthy patterns is, we cannot see that we invite and encourage the onset of the cycle by the things we say and do to our partner. If we were aware of this, we wouldn’t keep doing them and ending up in arguments. The key is to be mindful of your own beliefs and triggers and acknowledge that another person has another interpretation of the same event. To do that, we need to validate the other person’s feelings and understand they experience things differently than we do. 

Five practical tools to help you argue consciously 

Set time aside to talk

It takes time to have tricky conversations. Don’t ambush your partner, set them up. Find your own words to convey the following to your partner:  there’s something I’d like to talk about that’s weighing on me. When would be a good time for you? Then talk about it intentionally (and without distraction) with your partner to help to create clarity on the issue or even just release some tension. You’ll also be less likely to take your frustrations out on your partner due to pent up emotions when you make space to express them.

Switching from reacting to reflecting

Before you disagree, try telling the person what you heard them say. Let them know that you hear and understand what they are saying (take turns doing so). This helps build your understanding of what the other person is going through and makes them feel more comfortable sharing their feelings. The two of you don’t have to agree, but you do have to acknowledge that there’s another person who experienced the event(s) very differently from you.

Speak for yourself

If something has upset you, focus on your feelings rather than criticising the act or the other person using. Starting with “I feel…” is less confrontational than saying “you did this/that”. The important thing is that with all arguments, you both take responsibility for your behaviour and responses. 

 When to cool down

When things do get out of hand, know how to get a grip on your emotions. Take time out, whether that means counting to 10 and taking slow, deep breaths or simply telling your partner, “Hey, can we revisit this tomorrow?” When learning how to tussle, we can bring a sense of humour and sexual energy. For example, in an argument over the last piece of bread at breakfast, you can change things up by putting the bread in your mouth and say, “You want this piece, baby? Come and get it!” Or you can make them do something to ‘win the last piece of bread’. Suddenly, you’re not arguing anymore and as you bring in playfulness with a hint of sexy.

Seek Professional Help

Sometimes you try to do something different but have gotten sucked back in. Keep trying! If you still feel like you’re struggling to overcome the same issue, it might be best to seek a professional (like myself). A coach can facilitate resources and tools for better communication and overcome blocks and patterns to create an invitation for change. I also highly recommend reading the book Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts Without Arguing. 

About the author:
Nathalie Sommer is a certified Relationship & Intimacy Coach, Women’s Transformational Coach, speaker and international workshop facilitator. Through her communities, 1:1 + group coaching, speaking and events.
Nathalie is supporting and transforming women’s and couples relationships and lives from around the globe, helping them to create powerful transformations through sensual feminine embodiment, relationship & intimacy work.
You can follow her work via https://www.instagram.com/nata.sommer/ on Instagram and join her lively Eros Temple For Modern Women Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1835416650102332/   for intimate chats all about relationships, pleasure and sex. You can also visit her website to find out more about her services http://nathaliesommer.com/, or take Nathalie’s Eros Archetype Quiz http://nathaliesommer.com/quiz/

 

• arguing
• fight smarter
• intimacy