Column Nathalie Sommer
Relationship & Intimacy Coach Nathalie Sommer gives her expert advice on how to stop relationship myths ruining your intimate love life…
Let’s debunk a few of the very common (and untrue!) myths we have been sold and told about romantic relationships. What I get frustrated with is the amount of misinformation out there, that leaves people feeling their relationship is less, not good enough or that things are wrong. Or, it keeps them stuck in unhealthy behaviours and patterns, inauthentic relating or habitual cycles of sabotage.
Kelly Sikkema – Unsplash
So let’s address a few of the main offenders and get some facts straight!
Great relationships don’t require work:
Just like life, there is good and bad in every relationship. There’re easy times and hard times, sometimes you enjoy more intimate connections, and sometimes you less. But the only constant thing in a relationship is change. Which means relationships take a certain amount of work and so does your intimate life! The amount of work will ebb and flow.
You probably know too well the initial ‘honeymoon stage’ where you can’t keep your hands off each other and it’s all ‘oooh so good’. And after about 24 months (more or less), you can experience a “fall from grace”, and things are not so perfect after all and your intimate love life starts to fade. If that’s you, you’re not alone and here’s why. If you think about it, you’re merging your own life with your needs, wants and values with another person who has needs, wants and values. Let’s not even talk about all the baggage of past history, emotional wounds and triggers. Intimate relationships involve messy, hard, sometimes confusing and often beautiful work. Which means, surrender the fairy tale and put some work into creating grand love and epic sex!
Becca Tapert Unsplash
You fulfil all of my needs:
Are you looking for your partner to complete you mentally, emotionally and physically? How many of us have thought, when we meet our ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’ we’ll finally be happy? Just think about how much pressure that puts on just one person! This makes it a step into the wrong direction.
Here’s the thing, a healthy relationship consists of two people who aren’t dependent on one another to find fulfilment and completion in their own lives. They join in partnership not to complete one another but to complement one another. Now I’m not saying you have to have all your stuff figured out, it just means you’re not relying on someone else to do the work for you and for you to take self-responsibility.
Women are less interested in sex than man:
Women of today are not less interested in sex than men. It’s obvious that our brains, bodies and biology differ, as does the social context in which we live. Whilst I think the men/women difference can go a long way when it comes to figuring out how to best engage with the opposite sex when it comes to intimate encounters in the bedroom …I don’t believe it’s as simple as that. It’s best to assume that no-one is the same and when we go beyond gender, stereotypes and biology and allow ourselves the opportunity explore the sensual magic in each individual.
Julian Myles – Unsplash.
And we recognise that each person is unique like a fingerprint in their sensual being, and we all speak our own erotic language. When we discover how to feed and be fed in our desires it naturally increases our sexual appetite. Try the quiz to help you discover your Eros blueprint and learn what it’s like to finally touch and be touched in a way that honours your particular body and its desires.
A great relationship and intimate life look a certain way:
Who doesn’t love a good fairy tale or romantic comedy? Unfortunately, watching Hollywood movies and their idealistic portrayal of intimacy and relationships can leave us feeling that our relationship isn’t ‘enough’ and we dream for more. It can also make people subscribe to the following idea – for a relationship and their sex life to thrive it must follow certain ‘conventional’ rules. We live in 2020! Your relationship – your rules! What makes a relationship great is its uniqueness. It’s a unique bespoke design that fits each participant perfectly. One that welcomes alterations and adjustments over time and suits the season that the relationship is currently in (i.e dating, early parenthood, illness etc). Go and create the relationship and intimacy that works for you both, whatever that may look like.
Image par Pexels de Pixabay
Love is enough for desire not to fade
It’s what we dream and hope for but love alone is not enough to keep the spark alive! Because in most relationships (especially after a baby arrives), the responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less time and energy for each other. Which leads to – not making romance, intimacy, fun, and adventure a priority! As most relationships progress, individual responsibilities will grow, and roles will expand. This can lead to a neglect of romance, great sex, fun and adventure. That being said, this doesn’t mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and some work (as in our first myth!), you can recapture the flames. The key is to never forget about making the effort!
