How To Stop Relationship Burnout

Is the spark in your relationship deflated? Has curiosity turned into contentment? Do you feel something is missing? Or do you find yourself lashing out at your partner because you’re irritable and annoyed? If you’re nodding your head – then you may be experiencing relationship burnout! 

Relationship burnout often creeps up gradually before you find that your zest for your relationship has dried up. Whether you’ve been married for 20 years or have been dating for a few months, it’s a common occurrence. Burnout doesn’t mean it’s over! It just means that your relationship is calling out for some TLC *— and possibly you are too.

There are many reasons why we experience relationship burnout. Ahead, we dig deeper into the issue and what we can do to beat it.

Healing Starts With Self

Relationship burnout often occurs when one or both people put too much energy into the relationship but get little or nothing in return (which is eventually exhausting). Being aware that you’re stretched thin or feeling disconnected from your partner can help you take the necessary steps to reassess your own needs. The way to do that is to start focusing your energy on yourself, namely by looking at your own emotional needs and how to fill your cup (instead of being an empty cup that needs to be filled). That way, you’ll have something to bring to the relationship rather than feeling depleted.

I also encourage you to take some time to hit the reset button and to look at where things have gone wrong. Ask yourself the questions: Why do I feel relationship fatigue? When did it start, and where am I responsible? What’s the learning? Once you’ve got some answers, then take the necessary steps for yourself to rewire and fill your cup. When you’re able to come from a place of inner joy, peace, calm and confidence, sit down with your partner and explain to them what your needs are and what you can give, and vice versa.

Letting Go Of Control:

So many people do not trust others to lead. Fear of letting go is at the bottom of wanting to always be in control. Here’s the thing, it makes us rigid, constrained and always on guard – leading to burnout in relationships. It’s because we can’t surrender and let go and feel the need to do it all. Deep down inside, we do not have a fundamental belief that we’ll be okay no matter what (we’re worried that others mess up and things won’t be ok). We hold on to this label of control dearly, which leaves us feeling fatigued and leads to resentment. We need to know that the only thing we can control is ourselves, our actions, and our choices. 

Here are some tips on how you can let go of control::

1. Journal the answers to these questions: Where do I need to let go of control? What is it creating? Where can I trust more and surrender more (in myself & others)? See if you notice a pattern.
2. Be aware of moments when you’re holding on to control, then change the behaviour. Notice how it feels and see what happens. I also recommend reading the book, “Receiving Love“. If you’re still struggling, why not work with a therapist to help look deeper at your core beliefs? That way you can get to the bottom of that fear and reframe it, so you can start living in freedom and regain your energy. 
3. Identify your support structures and delegate to them by asking for support and inviting them in. Your family members, friends – and yes, your partner is suitable for help. It’s time to trust and let go of control that’s creating burnout.

Creating Healthy Space

Relationship fatigue can sneak in when we don’t recognise or respect the need to be separate. Healthy relationships need a mix of togetherness and separateness. Too much closeness leads to burnout and relationship fatigue. Conversely, too much separation leads to breakdown, disappointment and distance. A healthy amount of space is essential for all kinds of relationships, from friends to family, children and particularly intimate relationships.

In modern relationships, we come to one person, and we ask them to give us what an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, comfort, adventure, desire and novelty all in one. Yet what we don’t realise, relationships are like fire, and it needs air to breathe, so it doesn’t burn out. We need a chance to take care of ourselves and miss someone so that excitement can build and anticipation and desire can grow. It’s time to think of ways how you can spend quality time together. Versus being together whenever you can and not (entirely) enjoy each other’s company. For example, spend time in separate rooms or doing different things. But then plan to come together to have dinner, go for a walk together, or schedule 30 minutes before bedtime to connect (with no phones) consciously.

Bringing the spark back:

If someone ignores your emotional needs or constantly belittles and controls you, the spark that once made you fall in love with them may fade away.

The lack of emotional support and trust can take a toll on your desire to have sex with your partner. Without the original communication and affection that may have made you fall for them in the first place, intimacy of any kind can become a challenge. To keep the spark alive, we need desire. Desire is the antidote to ‘taking for granted’, boredom and comfort in the relationship. Without desire, you’ll find yourself getting irritated more, becoming needy, arguing, taking each other for granted, losing your sense of self, and losing the excitement you once had for the very person you want to be with the most. A great way to ignite a desire in the bedroom is to create space, as I’ve mentioned above. But also when you come together (pun intended) to speak each other’s eros language to keep the fire going. It’s essential to understand your partner’s pathway to desire and the erotic language they speak. Because if we don’t feed each other in our desires, the spark will deflate. Take this quiz to learn your erotic language and understand each other’s pathway to deeper intimacy again.

Mutually Agree to Work on Healing Together

As important as it is to work on the individual perspective, you can also work together as a team. But you both need to mutually agree to work on your relationship if you’re going to beat burnout together. For example, you can plan to spend some quality time together and create nourishing rituals like taking coffee together in the morning, meditating together or practising yoga, doing things that are fun, easy, and creating playfulness in the relationship (think of things that you did when you first met). Working together as a team and knowing you’re in this together and creating rituals to recharge, can develop a sense of connection and stability, which is essential for fighting burnout.

*tenderness, love, care

About the author:
Nathalie Sommer is a certified Relationship & Intimacy Coach, Women’s Transformational Coach, speaker and international workshop facilitator. Through her communities, 1:1 + group coaching, speaking and events.
Nathalie is supporting and transforming women’s and couples relationships and lives from around the globe, helping them to create powerful transformations through sensual feminine embodiment, relationship & intimacy work.
You can follow her work via https://www.instagram.com/nata.sommer/ on Instagram and join her lively Eros Temple For Modern Women Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1835416650102332/   for intimate chats all about relationships, pleasure and sex. You can also visit her website to find out more about her services http://nathaliesommer.com/, or take Nathalie’s Eros Archetype Quiz http://nathaliesommer.com/quiz/

Featured image Photo by Charlie Foster on Unsplash

• burnout
• healing
• relationships
• together